Now 12
This "now" page was inspired by Derek Sivers and Anish Lakhwara. Find others right now.
Howdy folx!
That's my usual greeting. I do have to admit that lately, I'm not still sure if that's what I want to be saying. Is this the right space to be doing so? Is this going to warrant unwanted reactions? It is disappointing in some ways, like the clothes that represent a different side of me currently left in storage because they have no reason to be called upon at this time, still a part of me, but left without a role.
I don't enjoy having to watch myself like that, though I also want to afford myself the opportunity to explore new things. This both includes exploring alternative ways of expression, and being willing to hold out a bit if it could lead me to a new path.
I am recently graduated! Leading up to graduation, I talked to a friend about how it's hard to feel proud of it. I felt very disconnected from some of the more charming stories of others from my graduating class. College was a battle for me that was neither meant for me to participate nor for me to win. For the moment, I'll leave it at that.
How do I describe where I am now? It's hard to begin. One thing for sure, is that I'm thankful that I said "no" to many things that would carry on beyond my graduation to instead give myself the time to re-orient. There are some things that are distastefully in limbo, but I'd prefer to take on few rather than all. During college, it truly felt like all, all the time.
I have a lot of space catch up a lot of processing and nurturing. It is really hard to allow myself to take up that space, but there's space for that too. I am enjoying the slowness, the gentleness, that I didn't know was possible. I can and have danced alone in my room, yet now I feel as free as I ever have while doing so.
I have this vague idea of what I want relationships in my life to look like, ones that feel mutual, ones where I feel energized. I want to actualize this idea and I'm preparing myself by doing this inner work too.
I haven't shared this on this site before: I have had an eating disorder since the second grade. I won't get into the details, but it is why the next two topics are particularly significant to me.
I've been doing some sort of exercise daily. I started with just doing a 10 minute 5 mph treadmill run and I'm slowly adding other things. It's in many ways just the bare minimum. However, more than zero is better than zero for me right now. I'm thankful that I have a safe space to do this for myself and to be myself. It is helping me process the relationship of the past along the way.
I've been cooking for myself consistently. I haven't been making recipes, mostly winging it, occasionally looking things up and glazing over prep methods to ensure I don't give myself food poisoning (which I experienced for the first time this year). I might eventually move toward recipes. I have plenty of books and links bookmarked for when that time comes.
Those are among my biggest projects. Otherwise, some miscellany:
- Learning how to keep a cleaning routine, thanks to the app Tody
- Learning how to keep a budget, thanks to YNAB (which offers a free 34 day trial + free year for students)
- Studying for the FE on and off, thanks to the book "The EIT Exam: How to Pass on Your First Try" (the explanations actually make sense making the process less dreadful)
- Getting better at driving on the highway, and for longer distances
- Picked up a secondhand folding bike from a friend to serve as my own second-ever bike
It hit me last week that while you can find many YouTube videos about young adults in the same transition stage as me, it's very hard to find ones by QTBIPOC. Part of why I've had so many conversations with random strangers with jobs I'm interested or participate as a mentor/mentee in is that it's hard for me to fathom survival or success for people like me. It's hard to believe that we can live this long.
There's no reference guide for what I'm looking for, I am creating it as I go.